Sodium phenoknowital

(TopDog). 40 mg b.i.d. Take in front of mirror.

Effects: fosters well-adjusted competitive behavior by inhibiting pride and suspicion blockers and enhancing solidarity blockers. Student will strive to rise to the head of the class by any means available, including mnemotomine abuse and/or cheating. Friendships and other group attachments will fade into the background of the student's motivational framework; all motivation will be fixated strictly on the grade and the instructor's praise. Developed to treat pseudostupidity, sodium phenoknowital will also fight symptoms associated with ethnic and masscultural loyalism, inappropriate authorities, indifference, and silence. N.B.: The drug will not enhance intellectual abilities. It will only ensure that the student rises to his/her innate ability level.

Side effects: the social isolation that this drug (like pedagorine) inevitably causes may in some cases be detrimental to the student's conformism and later employability. Not all students can function properly in a state of beleaguered suspicion and doubt; indeed some develop tendencies toward independent thought when cut off from conformative support groups. Supplementation with obedioflavin bromide or authoritotropin is not recommended, as these drugs may only exacerbate the ill effects of isolation. Small supplementary doses of placidoflavin bromide may be helpful.

Contraindicated: after long use accompanied by multiple symptoms of severe emotional distress bordering on suicidal trauma. The drug is so beneficial to the proper operation of the university that its use should be curtailed only under extraordinary circumstances.

Typical abuse: premed and med students in particular are known as sodium phenoknowital abusers.

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Copyright 1992 Doug Robinson and Bill Kaul