(Stiffplus). 30 mg t.i.d. Ingest while sitting; remain sitting for 30-120 mins.

Effects: Affects the gluteal muscles of buttocks, lower back, and spine, causing student to remain in sitting position for extended periods of time without discomfort. Effective with wiggliness. Treatment is especially effective when combined with pedagorine in moderate doses, as the etiology of this disorder seems related to lack of fixation on the person and words of the instructor.

Side effects: may rigidify genital region as well, causing potential disruptions (especially in undersized desks) among male students and their immediate neighbors.

Contraindicated: in sexually overimaginative fraternity brothers whose unchecked libido undermines classroom order.

Typical abuse: in fraternity initiation rituals ("hazing"), where whole groups of pledges have been transformed into sofas.

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Copyright 1992 Bill Kaul and Doug Robinson