(Pangloss). 300 mg t.i.d. Shake well, then allow to settle; skim yallomycin off top.

Effects: inhibits all language acquisition pathways except those myelinated for Standard American English. Causes student to sound like major network news anchor.

Side effects: may cause alarming decline in I.Q. (this will only become manifest through extensive testing). Supplement with sodium phenoknowital.

Contraindicated: in heavy-set Sicilians with facial necrosis, fibrinoid degeneration, and inflammation of the media and adventitia of medium-sized and small arteries. If administered accidentally to foreign-looking Americans, may cause premature brain death.

Typical abuse: graduate students before reading conference papers, visiting foreign professors, and readers of recorded messages on university answering machines.

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Copyright 1992 Bill Kaul and Doug Robinson