(Witemalex). 50 mg b.i.d.

Effects: assimilates divergent student bodies to dominant societal norms of speech, dress, behavior, and cultural assumptions by enhancing deviance blockers. Effectively combats multiculturalism and ethnic loyalism. May cause increased anxiety at unfamiliar regional accents, proscribed learning styles, and silly hairdos.

Side effects: has been known to cause iron-deficiency anemia, flat affect, and loose teeth.

Contraindicated: in pregnant women. Phenohirschedrine use may be resumed during lactation.

Typical abuse: phenohirschedrine abuse is associated with upwardly mobile citizens of foreign or minority extraction, especially those working in highly paid professions and living in the tonier suburbs; among university students it is often the older, nontraditional students who abuse it.

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Copyright 1992 Doug Robinson and Bill Kaul, middle-aged white males