Phenobloomdehyde u.s.p.

(Occludex). 5 ml/day.

Effects: fosters a fierce loyalty to the classics of Western thought and the men and women who wrote them by inhibiting openness to unapproved cultural expressions. Effectively combats illegal antixenophobia drugs. Developed to treat masscultural loyalism; may have beneficial effects on sufferers from ethnic loyalism as well.

Side effects: may cause creakiness of the joints, shortness of breath, blurred vision, and liver spots. May be supplemented freely with over-the-counter geriatric medications (e.g., Geritol).

Contraindicated: in intercollegiate athletes, who need to maintain top physical fitness in order to keep the athletic budget balanced.

Typical abuse: no recorded cases.

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Copyright 1992 Doug Robinson and Bill Kaul