a. Reading/writing as masturbation
b. Teaching as seduction, rape
- damned pages keep sticking together
- orgasm as terrifying vulnerability
c. Learning as being sexually molested
- pedophilia as child-rearing
- "Of course you love your daddy/mommy/teacher, don't be silly"
d. Controlling text as defense against (memories of) incest, rape
- "I'm sorry you didn't like this paper, but I promise I'll try harder next time"
- "I still think you're a great teacher"
e. Publishing as separation anxiety, empty nest syndrome
- I just don't want you to get the wrong idea, that's all"
- "I just love this book too much to let anyone say such nasty things about it"
- book publishing as jealous monogamy, Internet publishing as orgy with strangers.
f. "Teachable moments" as orgasm
- firstborn child graduating from high school, leaving home, going out into the world, growing up,
becoming independent, leaving you alone, never calling, never letting you know where s/he is and
what s/he's doing
- go away closer
- weaning at the first sign of teeth or sexual pleasure
- mothering authors through book production
g. Classrooms, lesson plans as condoms
- the fear that she'll back down at the last minute and say "No, I can't!"
- sex with total stranger in airplane lavatory
- planned intercourse as lesson plan
h. Notification of graduation, publication, honors as post coitum triste
- "Well, it's 98% safe"
- "Have more fun with cogitocidal KY Jelly! Stay hard longer with desensitizing cream! Give her
more pleasure with good-natured ribbing!"
I. Conferences as group sex (circle jerk; gangbang)
- "Will you respect me in the morning?"
- "Wonder what s/he's thinking now? Was I as good as--?"
- This is the last one, I swear, no more strange (wo)men in bars"
j. Tenure as marriage
- "What--? No condoms?"
- whoever dies with the longest CV wins
- Of course, stupid . . . you don't get invited to a gangbang!"
k. Assessment (grades, student evaluations) as notches on the bedpost
- "Are you happy?" "Well, we've been married thirty years!"
- "Never even thought of leaving her, cheating on him"
- "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you"
- "We have adjoining cemetery plots"
l. Class presentations as striptease
- "I've graded 1500 student papers this semester"
- "For a good time, call on Gary in the third row"
- "Adults Only! Call 900-FOR-LIFE, $100,000 for the first four years"
m. Collective grading as editing pornography or pimping
- "God I'm sick of amateur hour"
- "Look at the heuristics on that babe"
- metaphysical wet T-shirts
n. "S/he's a good (student/teacher/fuck)."
- "I thought she was better in her first film, before the breast enlargement"
- "I never fuck anybody in my own stable, that's sick, they're like family"
- No, no, my pimp's nice, he's my friend, he'd never do anything to hurt me"
o. Taking attendance as a pimp controlling his stable
- "It really looks and sounds like s/he's enjoying it"
- "You'd never guess it was just a blow-up toy"
p. Quantitative education/research as ranking babes from "1" to "10"
- "If you aren't on the street, we aren't making money"
- "Stick with me, baby, we'll go places"
- "Don't ever let me catch you doing that again"
q. Committee meetings as the dysfunctional family
- "Your point system's no good, the babes who score the highest never put out"
- "No, no decimals. It either is or it isn't."
- "Well, I give the face an '8,' but no more than a '2' for participation."
- "I wouldn't kick her out of bed for a comma splice"
- "We knock off a whole three points for failure to respond adequately to stimulation"
- "Statistical demographics is catalyzing an entirely new level of sexual achievement"
r. Teachers as whores, hooking for the good of the university
- "What problem? There's no problem. The curriculum's working fine. Students and faculty all
seem quite happy with it. I don't know what you're talking about"
- talk as rape
s. Professional attire as seductive clothing
- "I give you the boy; you give me back the man"
- "My pimp hasn't given me a raise in five years"
- "Graduate assistants? Your catalog promised me experienced teachers in a healthy environment"
- blood tests for all university faculty and students
t. Bolted-down desks and lecture format as b & d
- "She was dressed like she wanted to learn, so I taught her"
- "What, he's not a pimp, look how he's dressed, in that tweed jacket and tasseled loafers!"
- "This old thing? I just throw it on every morning."
u. Drills and tests as s & m
- "Stop writhing, bitch, or I'll humiliate you again"
- "I'll only remove your gag if you promise not to make a sound, not even a whimper. You promise?
All right, then."
- "If you really loved me, you wouldn't want to run away"
- "Look, now, only one of us can hold the whip--that's just the way it is"
v. Academic Addictions as sex manual
- "No, I understand. I deserved that F. I didn't surrender myself wholly to the class"
- "Oooooh, yes, please, give me another pop quiz! They hurt so goooood . . ."
- "Make it hurt over and over and over until it hurts just right"
w. Student orientation as "that talk" with your parents
- "This was all Doug's fucking idea." (BK)
- "Eat shit, Bill (but don't forget your penicillin injection)." (DR)
- "Fine time to start worrying about that." (BK)
- "Well, somebody's got to be the responsible one around here." (DR)
x. First day of class as blind date from computer service
- "Remember, it's no sin to be a virgin"
- "Later on, you'll understand better and thank me"
- "You've reached that age when we can be frank and honest with each other"
Y. LDs, ADDs, EMRs, etc. as STD's.
- "Hi, I'm Stan. I'm your date from hell."
- "Hey, wait a minute! You're not white!"
- "I think the computer musta fucked up."
z. Sleeping in class/committee as impotence/frigidity
- "We can't help you if you don't want to get better."
- "It's not as simple as just a shot in the ass anymore."
- "You brought this all on yourself, you realize."
- "This never happened in our family before. Your father and I are humiliated beyond words."
- "Huh? What? What was that last assignment?"
- "I don't know, man. It's late, and I'm tired of fucking around with this 'book.' I wanna go get laid."
- "I thought that's what we were just doing, stupid."
- "What, I thought you couldn't get it up--?"
- "You mean you weren't paying attention!? I got it up."
- "No you didn't."
- "In my head I did. I thought about it. I got it up cognitively, not physically. It's much better for
you. You get a much better job after you graduate that way."
- "Then I guess this book's another mind-fuck too, huh? Do you suppose it'll get us good jobs?"
- "I don't know; how long can we keep it up?"
- "Not much longer. I'm fading fast. It's late."
- "But . . ."
- "But I want you to know that I'm not fading because of you. It's just late. That's all. And it's got
nothing to do with this book, or finishing it, or not finishing it, or publishing or not publishing it.
And it won't bother me to turn off the computer. I'll just leave now . . . if you're ready, that is . . ."
- "Good night."
Back to Am I An Addict?
Copyright 1993 Doug Robinson and Bill Kaul